Buenos Aires

Buenos Aires Rules

Numero uno: When faced with the choice of making a tremendous amount of extraneous and unnecessary noise or being quiet, go for making as much noise as you can.

Just another day in Buenos Aires

Numero dos: Buenos Aires bus drivers collect points for each pedestrian they hit in a crosswalk — one point for a knockdown, two points for an injury that bleeds, three points for any broken limb, and a bonus five points if you kill the hapless walker. Earn twenty points in a calendar year and the driver gets an all-expenses paid holiday for two weeks in Tahiti.

At any time and under any circumstances - vehicles always have right of way

Numero tres: Every food item must contain a minimum of 20% sugar, the only spice is salt, and fish ought to be left alone in the sea, where they belong, not on the table, where dead cows belong.

A Porteño breakfast

Numero quatro: The primary function of sidewalks is to provide convenient toilet facilities for God’s most generous gift to Man — dogs. The secondary function of sidewalks is to perform on-going experimentation into the question of how much dirty water does it take to float sidewalk tiles? The third function is to offer a convenient location outside the home for the deposit of daily refuse.

A typical Buenos Aires sidewalk

Numero cinco: Choice confuses people and makes them frustrated. It is all right to have one thousand brands of cookies, as long as they all taste essentially the same. It is all right to have some variety in one’s cuisine, as long as the source is a dead animal.

Guide for the Buenos Aires chef

Follow these five simple rules to make your Buenos Aires experience fulfilling. Watch this space for the next five essential rules for surviving in the 3rd world.

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Categories: Buenos Aires

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4 replies »

  1. i wrote 2012, dear. your entries about BA make me think I should get ready for a bit of a rough time over there though!

  2. Here, hitting a tourist in a marked pedestrian crosswalk actually deducts a point, since tourist come here with the mistaken idea picked up in the civilized world that pedestrians have the right of way in a marked crosswalk with a green walk light, so they are easy targets, like shooting ducks in a barrel. Locals know they walk on sidewalks and cross streets totally at their own risk, and already know how to play dodgeball with cars, buses, and trucks, making them more difficult targets.